Implicit Truths

Made you look! Nyah nyah. Well actually, I was just reading the BBC and I noticed one thing: The British can’t get enough of the Royal Family, and they go bananas over a dead princess, totally ga-ga. She’s been dead, what, 8, 10 years now? It’s like people go back home and their kids go, “Daddy! Johnny’s dad was on TV the other day, how come you’re never on TV?” and the dad promptly goes out, finds a newspaper, and says, “I did not kill Diana.” and then in a flurry, he’ll be quoted everywhere: “Married Man Denies Killing Diana”, “Man Proclaims Innocence In Princess’ Death”, “Did Diana Have An Affair With A Married Man Who Killed Her? NO!”.

They also have a habit of accidentally printing instructions to the scullion on the bill. A little thought, one would think, would keep those damn gold digging customers from looking for just any opportunity to make money off an innocent restaurant owner. Think, my dear friends, have you been so horribly scarred by being told that you, `fuck face´, would have to `suck´ someone’s `dick´ for the incredibly princely sum of £0.00 as part of the bundled deal that allowed you to eat such disgusting stuff as Fish Cakes? Surely, you would be slightly offended, you would be rightly indignant that someone was to charge so little for such an important task, and you would definitely ask for some money. That is what these people did.

Just brilliant. Simply brilliant. Like this guy.

I hate it when people send me unsolicited mail. I would be happy to help His Esteemed Privilege Engr. Frank Coleman, if he had not gone straight into trying to get me to join in his illicit doings, things that I would not do even when in the vilest of moods. Ah, but Engr. Frank Coleman is not just any man, he’s the Chairman of the Contracts Award Committee, and when he is done cheating that poor country out of its wealth he plans on selling diamonds to Kanye West. Such is life, I know the lowest of the low. Men will say for years to come, Ah, Christodolus, he was a king amongst kings, but walked as a common man amongst the plebeians.

FROM THE DESK OF ENGR.FRANK COLEMAN
Chairman, Contracts Award Committee,
Ministry of Sports Youth and Development,
Republic of Sierra Leone.
Email: franky_coleman@myway.com

Dearest friend,

Please give this message a meaningful consideration to the benefit of both of us. I strictly write to solicit for your cooperation to create a conducive environment to keep some funds for future investment after retirement.

I am privilege and highly placed in government as the Chairman of Contracts Award Committee in the Ministry of Sports, Youths and Development since 2003. During this period, we have successfully awarded various contracts to foreign Companies, of which all the contracts has been completed and commissioned.

In the course of our negotiation with the foreign contractors, 5% of all the contracts awarded were to be set-aside for my Committee, an agreement that we strongly held with the contractors. All the contractors have already received their full payments; our 5% is now in our Company’s dedicated account.

We need a reliable person, to receive this money on our behalf, since our position in government does not allow us to own any foreign bank account until after retirement.

Your urgent response and compliance will be highly appreciated.
NOTE: If this is unacceptable to you, I plead your indulgence to trash this message on receipt, as this requires high level of confidentiality.
Remain blessed.

Engr.Frank Coleman
Chairman.

Fortunately, there are people who seem to be able to make much more productive use of their space than I am able to. Be aware though, I, I will never sell out.

Indeed, the following email notifying me of the large sum of money that I will soon have tells me that it will be in the mystifying currency Dollar US Dollar, supposedly pegged at the rate of oil from Abuja and suggested as a viable alternative to the Euro by the aptly named Goodluck Jonathan. In keeping with the wishes of the Late Engineer and in the interest of full disclosure, I have decided to reproduce the email here. Reinhard and I were great friends in our youth, and we often used to sit down by the schoolyard playing with what we thought was confetti, while Marc, JS and Julio were assigned chores to do by those older than us. It was a good time, and I’m certain that given a chance Reinhard would rather be there than where he is now. A great friend, humanitarian and a brother to all men. I salute him.

MANAGING PARTNER
P.FRANK & SOLICITORS
415 ROYAL LIVER BUILDING,
PIER HEAD, LIVERPOOL L3 1LL, ENGLAND.

Re: NOTIFICATION OF REQUEST

On behalf of the Trustees and Executor of the estate of Late Engr.Reinhard Hermann, I once again try to notify you as my earlier letter to you returned undelivered. I hereby attempt to reach you again by this same email address on the WILL.

I wish to notify you that Late Engr. Reinhard Hermann made you a Beneficiary to his WILL. He left the sum of Seventeen Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars ($17,500.000.00 USD) to you in the codicil and last testament to his WILL. This may sound strange and unbelievable to you, but it is real and true. Being a widely traveled man, he must have been in contact with you in the past or simply you were recommended to him by one of his numerous Friends abroad who wished you good.

Engr Reinhard Hermann until his death was a member of the Helicopter Society and the Institute of Electrical & Electronic Engineers. He had a very good heart and was a philanthropist. His great philanthropy earned him numerous awards during his life time. I.e.UNO, WHO, & UNESCO.

Late Engr. Reinhard Hermann died on the 13th day of December, 2007. At the age of 80 years, and his WILL is now ready for execution. According to him this money is to support your humanitarian activities and to help the poor and the needy in your society.

Please if I reach you this time as I am hoping, endeavor to get back to me as soon as possible to enable me conclude my job. I hope to hear from you in no distant time through the email address below.

Email:

Sincerely yours,

BARR.PETER FRANK (ESQ).
P.FRANK & SOLICITORS
MANAGING PARTNERS/SOLICITORS
Office Line: +44 702 405 7247 (Office hours only)

I attempted to contact Mr. Frank Peter.Barr in an effort to find out why he had a period in his name but apparently they close early on Sundays - obviously because their office is in Liverpool, a different time zone than the one in which their computers are. Poor Mr. Barr had to travel 2 hours eastward before he could send an email. I intend to send a representative to meet him in person at their office (coincidentally a place which also stores the Queen’s liver) and assess the costs of providing him with internet connectivity and a workstation. I must, of course, show gratitude for the promptness with which he has acted upon the will of good old Reinhard.

It’s harvest season and I don’t want any produce, but the taxmen are out and they’re watching the alleys. Take care, comrades, ’tis a dangerous time when even the rails where you smoke a cigarette may not be safe. They’ll want their cut of your stash, of course, and if you look a bit well off, they’ll want money, and maybe they’ll take you in even then. Even the old man with the pipe sitting on the edge of the pavement must pay, it’s summer time you know, if it’s hot they’ll tax your … tobacco . Greed, my dear friends, ’tis a horrible thing.

We aren’t like them, of course. Sharing comes naturally to us, but sharing forced isn’t sharing at all and sharing inequitably is synonymous with robbery, and ’tis the state that does it, or its enforcers anyway. They’re as bad us anyway, except we’re the nice black musicians in the car in Back to the Future and they’re… them, thieves sanctioned by the government. How tragic. But then, c’est la vie.