Addiction
Posted on April 22nd, 2008 in Musings by Christodolus ||
I think I should admit this now, I’m addicted to tobacco. I should quit, but when I’m feeling down, it gives me a pick-me-up where people aren’t willing to. Tonight I got up from my seat and walked up to my bag and nearly rummaged around for a cigarette. That’s where I knew I’d lost it.
Sometimes I’ve tried denial. I don’t do drugs (pot doesn’t count, but PCP does) I tell myself, this is not me. I don’t commit crimes I tell myself, that’s not who I am. But that’s not really true, is it. If I look back far enough, I’ve been doing it for ages now, and all the time not realised. Just that recently I’ve let my ambition overleap itself and that makes it all very easy to see the bullshit I pulled. Guilt. Loads of it, and nowhere to put it.
If it’s any consolation, nothing I’m doing now holds a candle to what I have done.